The Moxy Project Blog

Warning: This is part one of a two-part post. Also, it contains drama.

It happened again today. I heard a song that reminded me of her and I just got so sad. It’s always songs. And most of them aren’t even songs she would know or recognize as relating to her, but they inevitably name some element of our friendship that until that moment had been indefinable to me, and then it all comes rushing back like water filling an empty cup.

And, apparently, makes me sound like a Celine Dion song.

A few years ago, I was hurt really badly by a friend. The kind of hurt that makes you think of every other time in your life when you’ve ever been really badly hurt and wonder if you are just destined to go through life getting hurt over and over again.

Like you have a sign on that says: “Please. Hurt me as much as you can. No, really. Don’t hold back.”

I felt like I was drowning in so much grief and loss and pain that I could barely recognize my own car in a parking lot, let alone identify exactly what all was happening in my heart and why it hurt so much.

I remember looking at my face in the mirror some of those days, and being astounded that my eyes still blinked and my mouth still moved and my nose was still in the same place. I felt like there should be some reflection on the outside of the absolutely soul-shattering destruction that was taking place on the inside. I found it outrageous that there was no visible evidence.

I’m not going to tell you what happened, because that gets into versions and interpretations and recollections of conversations that I will not revisit for any amount of money or reward. It’s just that I had lunch with a mutual friend of ours today, and when he asked if she and I still kept in touch, I had no more idea what to say than of what I would say if I had suddenly been asked to speak Farsi.

Sometimes I wish I could talk about it, or  that things could have turned out differently. Yet I also know both those things would be unwise. What’s done is, for better or worse, done.

And yet (as the songs remind me), I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the way I felt when we were together.  When I was with her, I felt like I was living out the ideal version of myself. It still sometimes feels as if a dream died when our friendship went off the cliff.

This was the dream: When she and I were friends, I never felt alone. Ever. Not for a single second.

I know I throw around the phrase “known and not alone” a lot here. And here and here. But what I mean by that is that I want you – and I— that I want us— to feel the way I did when my friend and I were friends.

That you feel understood on a level that goes deeper than words.

That you experience the power of other people’s confidence and belief in you flowing through you like a warm drink.

That you know what is to be known, and accepted, for exactly who you are, right now– and at the same time that there is someone who has a vision for who you could become that is stunning in its beauty and grace.

And, that this someone is fully committed to seeing you live that out.

Of course, I know there’s a risk involved in what we’re doing here. You could get hurt, like I got hurt. Worse, you could choose not to pursue recovery or hope or a future that is better than your past. I recognize that. I am not unsympathetic to your situation. I have a more than healthy respect for what’s going on.

And if it helps, I think I’m getting close to being able to say that it’s worth it. I can’t quite believe I’m writing these words, but time might actually heal. Time, time, time.

More on that next time.

Man, I am loving these mixes. I can already tell it’s going to be way harder to choose two than I thought. The competition is fierce!

Someone asked me a great question last week that I wished I’d included in the FAQ’s. Here it is:

What if we wait to sign up to see if we win the contest, but then it fills up and then we don’t win but we can’t sign up anymore because it’s full?

She may or may not have asked this question with tears in her eyes.

People will do anything to win, man.

Anyway, the answer is that I am advising all of you overconfident mixmasters to just sign up already to reserve your spot and if you win, I’ll refund your fee. Otherwise, you really might not get in, and then we’ll both cry. You because you lost and me because you gave me a mix with Jay-Z on it. So sign up already and stop putting all your hope in Sufjan Stevens. We’ll both feel relieved.

A few of you have said that you are doing this contest because you have no way of paying for the workshop otherwise. I totally get that. These are tough times. I am honored by every single expression of interest in one-on-one coaching or in the workshops that I have received, and I do accept payment plans. My rates have gone up in 2010, but if you contact me before February 27 (the hubby’s birthday) I’ll hook you up with last year’s rates. I’m a giver.

Also, I am fascinated by the rationale behind saying no to something because of money. Money is never neutral; we always bring our own baggage and previous experience to it. And, everyone’s relationship with money is different. This is a good thing, or else we would all buy our purses at Target.

It’s our inconsistency with money that so intrigues me. For example, last week I went grocery shopping and decided not to buy a yummy-looking desserty-something at Trader Joe’s because it was “frivolous” at $4.99. But, later that same day, I justified buying two shirts and a pair of pants at Ann Taylor Loft because they were 40% off the sale price. The total was $67.30.

I won’t join AAA because $72 a year is too much, but I have an $80 shirt from Urban Outfitters in my closet. Oh, and one from Anthropologie that was $69.

I don’t like paying for fancy dinners. But my family eats at California Pizza Kitchen so often that I’m sure we could eat at home more and then go out to nicer places and still spend less than we do now on eating out.

None of this is new. I remember when my husband bought us tickets to see the musical “Les Miserables” onstage for our first anniversary. I thought they were too expensive. We had a big fight at intermission that we still laugh about every year.

I know a bit about marketing, and about why we buy what we do, and value what we value. And I can’t get over the fact that so many of us spend more on what we drape over our bodies than we do on investing in our souls. Some of us devote more resources to what we look like on the outside than to who we are becoming on the inside.

I’m not necessarily saying that there are good or bad choices here. I’m just saying that whenever I find myself contradicting myself, it’s a sign that I need to pay attention. If I say I’m trying to save money but drop $50 on tapas and wine with my friends on Saturday night, then I should probably look at that.

Here is where you probably expect me to encourage you to look at your spending and realize that you can totally afford this workshop. And, full disclosure, I do think that is a good idea. It will be more than worth it, I can tell you that. (Oh, that’s right, I already did. Right here.)

But what I want to challenge you to do is something even more dramatic. Something that will affect more lives than your own. Something epic.

I want you to think about sponsoring someone else to get some MOXY. Someone who might need it even more than you do, but for whatever reason, maybe money or possibly something else, wouldn’t sign up for it on their own. I ask you to think of that person—whose name is springing to the front of your mind even as you read this—and to give them a workshop, or a one-on-one session or two. Give it as a gift.

A gift that can’t get ruined at the drycleaners or broken after coming home from the store. A gift that lasts longer, and has more value, than a mere possession.  A gift that will affect many more people for good than most Christmas presents did this year.

If you can’t think of someone, let me know. I know lots of people, and I’d be more than happy to apply your gift to someone who could really use it. I’d be ecstatic to do that, actually.

Obviously, I’m invested in The MOXY Project. Helping people like you to find and release and celebrate your unique inner mojo is what I’m all about. If you want help with that, go here. Or here.

Maybe you feel like you want what I have to give right now, maybe you don’t. But I can assure you that there are people who want it and can’t afford to pay for it. I know many of you live in San Francisco or Chicago or Denver, and you just can’t spare the time to come out here in March. This is a way you can help someone else who could. If you’re up for this, please leave a comment here or on the site or e-mail me at michele@themoxyproject.com. We’ll hook you up.

What if you had an opportunity to invest in other women, in a way that wasn’t available before? What if you could literally endow another’s future, along with yours, thereby raising up two or more in the true spirit of MOXY?

What if……..what if…..…what if. What if you gave?

*The idea for this post came from Sonja Egeland Kelly. She’s a professional giver.

I haven’t posted in a while, partly because it was Christmas and partly because, to be totally honest, I really liked my last post and I wanted it to stay up there for a while. I don’t mean to sound arrogant or like I thought you should have liked it too. Just that I liked going to the blog and seeing it there. It made me happy. And every time I thought about writing something new, I thought “Nah. It’s not as good as what’s already there.”

But then this morning I was thinking,  “I really should put something new up on the blog. I keep getting questions about the contest and the workshop and it’s been a while and everyone is posting all these inspirational New Year’s posts and I should do something……what should I write about now?”

I wasn’t really expecting an answer, as I was also simultaneously texting and putting on makeup, but then I heard a little voice inside me say “What do you really want?”

And I was like, “Um, excuse me? Did you not read the last post? I really want to help people get what they really want.”

Duh.

I recently had someone tell me that it’s not fair to hide what I know from the people that need it; that I have to live my mission. That hit me like a slap in the face, because I really don’t feel like I am hiding anything that’s not readily available. People can come, read, hang out, comment, click on links, sign up for stuff. What’s hidden about that?

But then I understood that a part of me has been holding back. I’ve been trying to fly under the radar so as to protect myself from the possible disappointment that comes with putting myself out there. I have been afraid to take the leap and be “all in” with my plans for The MOXY Project. I have been reserved, when asked about what I’m working on now. I have acted aloof when people have enthusiastically inquired about my rates and booking. I have practiced self-protection. I have avoided risk.

I’ve especially done that with the workshop coming up in March. I’ve soft-pedaled it; “Hey man, it’s pretty cool, you should think about it. No pressure.” I’ve begun posting teasers about different topics we’ll cover. I’ve even started a contest for people who don’t think they have the money to pay for it.

But what I haven’t told you is this: If you come to work with me in March, you won’t simply appreciate this workshop. You will live this workshop. If you let me in, there is no part of your life that will remain unchanged after this experience. You will celebrate the anniversary of this workshop every year following, because it will have been that remarkable. It will change your very relationship with yourself, and you will never be the same.

What do I really want? I want you to come to Santa Barbara March 19-20.

Aren’t you tired of all the hype? I called the workshop “New Year’s Solutions”  because I figured by March we’d all be over the whole New Year’s Resolutions propaganda. But it’s January 4, and I already want to put a pillow over my head. So from now until March 19, I’m going all out and pouring myself into creating the best experience possible so that YOU can come and be transformed. So that we can build something tremendous. Together.

I’m going for it. Like never before.

What do I really want? You and me. Same room. Eye to eye.

It will be a watershed weekend for you, no matter what is going on in your life right now. If you, like me, broke one of your NY Resolutions on January 1, or if you don’t even make resolutions—or if you’ve been stellar at all of your resolutions and made zero slip-ups—you need this time. You need this time to remember yourself, to come back to who you have been and who you know you can be. To recall everything that makes you who you are, and to re-commit to that woman who looks back at you in the mirror every morning and says “What will you make of me today?”

Space is limited, because, well, I’m not good with crowds. This isn’t about being impressive, it’s about being known and not alone together. It’s about being the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Don’t you want to get started on that already? Let 2010 be the year you come into your own self.

What do I really want? To be a part of your life. Especially in March.

Sign up here.

Quick Update on the Mix-CD Contest:

The deadline is February 14. I’ll post the address you can send them to next week because apparently the USPS has better things to do than remember my P.O. Box number right this second. Yes, you can make two CD’s, one for each category, but you can only win in one category, no matter how good they each are. Let me know if you have other questions and I’ll get right back to you.

What do I really want? You know.

“It is our choices that make us who we are, far more than our abilities.”

The great Albus Dumbledore said this, in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. I think of it often, and remember that I can’t always control my abilities, but I can almost always determine my own choices. Those of us living in the first world are lucky that way.

It’s also a theme that we’ll be exploring more in depth at the next MOXY PROJECT retreat, March 19-20. We’ll be meeting in beautiful Santa Barbara, California, for a day and half session on “New Year’s Solutions.” We have a great location on the Santa Barbara Riviera, overlooking the city and coast, a wonderful catered lunch, and lots of great discoveries waiting for you this spring.

The next few blog posts will have little teasers in them of different things we’ll be doing at the workshop. For starters, we’ll be thinking about our choices and our abilities and how often we get them mixed up together just a bit. I’ve done that when I’ve thought that I shouldn’t try to do something if I’m not immediately going to be good at it, or when I think that just because I’m good at something means I should do it. What I like about this quote is how empowering it is: it’s almost like what we choose to do or not do matters more than whether we are actually able to do it or not.

And I don’t know about you, but I like to have a bit of help around me when I embark on something like that. I read somewhere that that’s why the majority of New Year’s “Resolutions” fail; because people don’t have a supportive community around them to help them face what they’re dealing with. So they feel known and not alone.

So together, in March, we’re going to be talking about what difference our choices (as opposed to our resolutions or abilities) make in our life. We are not passive victims who just wake up and go to work or school or to volunteer or to the gym and are given this experience; we are independent agents who can decide to change the culture if we want.

Maybe we don’t want to, and that’s fine too. But the point of this workshop is to help us look at the choices we’ve been making, evaluate them, and possibly choose to make some different ones. It’s meant to help us to see our life with new eyes, from a different perspective– which is somehow easier when we are at a different location.

I sure hope you can join us in March and make some powerful choices about your life.

Now to the Mix CD part.

I love Mix Cd’s. I love playlists. If it weren’t for playlists, I’d still be in the shape I was in 4 years ago, instead of training to run a relay leg of a marathon in June. (Oh crap, I just said that to the internet. It must be true.)

And, I make playlists off of recommendations from friends, colleagues, clients, students—pretty much anyone who likes anything besides rap. Sure, I have my favorites, but I’m always up for new stuff. For example, last month I got totally into Jack’s Mannequin after seeing them on the Daily Show. Love them now.

What does this have to do with you? Well, I’ve decided to have a bit of a contest. See, I purposefully keep the cost of the workshops pretty low (a mere $100) because I know it’s not cheap for people to get all the way here and stay here and eat here. Santa Barbara is not so much a budget-friendly place.

So the other day I was trying to come up with ways to help people get here for cheaper, and I thought of lots of cool stuff. Like, hotel deals and food coupons and carpooling. AND, when you sign up, we will tell you all about that, so hopefully that will help. But that stuff also made my head hurt, because who wants to come all the way to lovely Santa Barbara and then not be able to afford to buy a souvenir? No one I know.

So, I am having a contest.

The winners of the contest (yes, there will be two) will each win FREE spots in my workshop. FREE!!!

Here’s how it works:

There are two kinds of playlists that I like. One is the kind I can work out to—usually running, sometimes elliptical–that is fast, with quick transitions and songs that don’t have long intros. My two favorite songs from this morning’s trip to the gym: The Adventure, from Angels and Airwaves, and We Weren’t Born to Follow by Bon Jovi. Not much profanity, no rap, not so much club music. I’m an old fashioned girl and you can never go wrong with classic rock. Yes, I do I have whole playlists of only Journey songs.

The other kind of playlist that I like is more independent/alternative, a bit slower, good for writing or driving or walking on the beach. Songs for thinking. These songs don’t have to be ballads (please, no) but for sure can be meaningful and tell a story. Pretty much any Billy Joel song fits here. IMPORTANT NOTE for John Mayer fans: Please. No. We had a bad experience once and now I just can’t go there. It’s a fine line, really; Ray La Montagne and Brett Dennen = good, John Mayer and Bon Iver = bad. I can’t really explain it more than that.

I could talk about my musical taste for days, but the point. Is. That. The ONE person who makes me the workout mix CD that I like the most and the ONE person who makes me a more mellow/reflective mix CD that I like the most will win FREE attendance to the workshop. Yay for you!

This post is already like the longest post I’ve ever written, so I’ll stop now. Get started thinking about the perfect mix CD to send me, and note that album/cover art will NOT be factor in my selection. Unless you make a cover that is a picture of my head on Angelina Jolie’s body. Otherwise, we are all purely about the music, people.

Stay tuned for more details next week. For now, start thinking about the music……..and how two of you lucky ducks will WIN!!!

*This post is a pale imitation of an original version written by Pam Slim here. Please give her all the credit for this profound idea.

Don’t you ever have moments in your life when you wish that you could “use your lifeline” and call upon others who are uniquely qualified to help you in a certain situation or decision?  I sure do.

Anakin meets with the Jedi High Council

Remember the scene in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace when young Anakin Skywalker walks in to the room where all the decisions are being made? The room where the Jedi Council meets? One can immediately sense a spirit of trust and community and common goals. There’s an almost palpable feeling of purpose and potential in this half-circle of mentors, teachers and other authority figures deliberating and making decisions with weight and wisdom.

There’s a similar concept in something author Parker Palmer calls a “clearness committee”, which originated from the Quaker tradition. Essentially what he describes is a group of people who sit and listen to you share about whatever decision or choice you are facing, and then when you are done they are allowed to only ask questions; no comments, observations or statements allowed.

I’ve talked to people a lot about the importance of mentors in the context of being a student or learner and looking up to a certain professor or a senior staff member.  But when you want to do something bigger and more comprehensive, like identify strong inner passions, or radically change something in your life, you need to think bigger. You need a High Council of Jedi Knights.

This wise council is made up of people you respect, admire and see as symbols of who you want to be when you grow up.  They don’t have to be powerhouses, movie stars, or old in age, they just need to be highly evolved (however you define it) in life.  This group is in addition to your immediate family, who obviously also plays a huge role in supporting and encouraging you.  Another clarification: This group is not your six besties from college who commit to meeting every summer for the rest of your lives to catch up about how you are doing. That is something different; a posse, a tribe, a safe space.  Instead, a High Council is where people have permission to tell you how it really is, straight up. Not necessarily a place that holds your hand and dispenses encouraging pablum, but a good, true and pure environment where you are challenged to grow up to your potential, however uncomfortable that may be. It makes a huge difference to not be making these bigger decisions alone, and even your closest pals aren’t always as objective or as experienced as others may be.

Here are some suggestions on how to get your own High Council*:

• Notice the kind of people in the world that get you really excited.  Are they authors, artists, doctors, computer programmers, spiritual figures?  Mentally scan through your bookshelf and determine your favorite books.  Examine the blogs that are at the top of your RSS reader.  Note the kind of people that really interest you when you read about them in the newspaper or watch them on television. (One caveat; please don’t pick musicians. Or at least pick them very carefully. John Mayer will probably not actually help you accomplish anything significant in life, even if you are both “Waiting on the world to change” together).

• Pay attention to how you feel when you think about these people. Some smart people have lots of knowledge but make you feel a bit inferior when you read their work or interact with them.  If you pick people you feel debilitatingly self-conscious around, you will defeat the purpose. Choose individuals who are definitely smarter than you but who have that special gift of making you feel smart when you are around them. One friend of mine just selected people he really looked up to and wanted to have as friends; after two years he had cool friends but still no momentum to his life. To avoid this, maybe imagine that you are in a critical stage of your journey and you feel really awful.  You want to cry and give up.  Who would immediately make you feel stronger?  Who has faced a similar challenge and moved through it with success?  Who would be kind and loving while at the same time push you harder than you are comfortable with to live up to your highest potential?

• Ask:  Do they use their superpowers for good? Someone can be brilliant, charismatic and accomplished, but how are they using their life?  In Star Wars terms, do they lean towards The Force or The Dark Side?  Are they involved in activities that solve problems, heal wounds, increase happiness and bring people together? Or do they practice shameless self-promotion, intrepid personal advancement, and narcissistic dealings with others?

Imagine yourself as young Anakin Skywalker stepping into the quiet circular room of the High Council of Jedi Knights.  Picture entering that room and seeing the group of people you respect most in the world, individuals who are totally on your side, who care enough to give you a straight answer and support you in your efforts. As you look at the faces of your wise mentors, don’t you feel better?  Doesn’t it make your task of getting a certain job or having that hard conversation or making that decision a bit more like a spiritual quest? And isn’t it, really, in the end?

So let’s go. Start by writing an e-mail to the people you identify (max of 10) and ask them to join you in this specific and powerful way. Trust me; if they deserve to be selected, they’ll be honored. Post a comment or e-mail me and I’ll send you a prototype of a message you can adapt to your personal situation.

May the Force be with you.

*Adapted from post by Pam Slim, human extraordinaire.